BDSM & Kink – its all about the contracts and agreements

I met up with someone who works in the same industry yesterday. Because I work privately in a job that has certain social stigma it can get kinda lonely and so its nice sometimes to meet up with others and have chats about what we go through in the industry. Sometimes these catch ups are good, enlightening, funny even fun and other times they go south.

And yesterday was one such meeting.

It started out nice a few weeks ago, we met for coffee and a chat and seemed to hit it off. A few laughs, some sharing of information to help each other out when travelling about and we were on our way. We then both travelled to different cities and it was nice to chat on the phone at various times in the day to off load about clients, hotel rooms and scratchy towels, united in the experience of being on the road.

And then somewhere the wheels came off. What started out being a nice catch up and chat quickly turned into a competition about work, money and how that money was made. Everyone in our industry works their own way. We have rules that need to be adhered to in the states we live in re advertising etc but what we do in our own practice with our own clients is our business. BDSM, Kink, GFE, PSE, tantra, erotic relief, all labels that give clients an idea of what kind of services we provide and categories for us to be found under when searching through the 1000’s of us on social media and advertising sites.

These should not be used as weapons of mass destruction in an attempt to make another person in the industry feel bad about the service that they provide. All that succeeds in doing is displaying biases to a particular proclivity. And if its not for you, then don’t do it. Its not about judging another worker for having that as part of their skill set. What they do in their business is exactly that, their business.

So the towel was thrown into the ring.

Round One: Now I’m not a push over, far from it, but I also dont enjoy conflict and at first was a bit shocked by the way the conversation was going. Think Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier. Lots of dodging and side stepping.

Round Two: The next thing I knew I was being pushed up against the ropes with a head shot – “doing bdsm is just about being a very controlling woman” No refs around so a bit more dodging and weaving and then….

Round Three: “bdsm is just hurting people”. Pow!! Its a face punch in an attempt for a knock out!!! Now I’ve been pushed too hard and the gloves are off. There is no more dodging and weaving, now its on. Its ok to have an opinion, and to not agree wi

th how I am running my business but thats where I draw the line. Having been a nurse and dealt with people in very many scenarios I can tolerate different behaviours to get the job done, but as I stated I am no push over. Shaming me in an attempt to bring me down is not on. But I’m not a dirty fighter!! I dont throw low blows. I like a good clean fight that follows the rules. So I go in with ” you are entitled to your opinion but what I do is my business”  and then I ring the bell.

Fight over and now I am out of the ring.

Whatever people think of bdsm, those that choose to work in the industry and those that seek it out know that it is in fact, not about hurting anyone. Its a contractual agreement between two consenting adults that has many rules and guidelines to  adhere to. Its the safest way to engage in connecting with another human as the guidelines are so clear. They are discussed and agreed to at the beginning of the interaction and are not changed during the course of the interaction. If the client wants to add things to the interaction it is not done during the course of it (my rules). They can come back next time and add those things.  I am very wary of people becoming too relaxed and then wanting to change things in the heat of the moment, there is always a next time.

Guidelines (boundaries) are very important in any practice that we have with another human being. We have profiles that we write on social media describing and explaining our services. This shows that we have boundaries that we work within and expect clients to behave within those guidelines. When we get texts saying hey babe, hi etc  that is outside some of our guidelines. Thats why nursing has care paths for patients. Its guidelines on providing care to a patient that is within the nurses scope of practice. It keeps everyone safe.

And when we interact with people we have those boundaries (guidelines) that are our own agreements with ourselves. They are not voiced or written, but we know them and we know when someone crosses them. We know when to stay and when to go. We know when to keep fighting or get out of the ring. Its our choice!!!